I have never been a regular blogger. I've been doing this for almost five years and I almost always stop for a few weeks or months at a time and then I come back. This time, I didn't mean to stop. I wanted to blog. But my life sort of changed a lot.
A little over a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. While it was mostly my decision, it is something I am still struggling with each day. With the break up, I also had to figure out where to go next. I'd been living with him for months and of course, I had to move out. Luckily, I had recently become really close with a friend and she offered me a place to live. I moved in with her about a week later and it's been a blast being her roommate. But it's still taken some time to adjust to my new life.
A lot of the people I knew were mostly his friends and now I don't talk to any of them. I haven't told my family yet but I expect I will when they ask me to invite him over the holidays. I realized yesterday that some people still don't know, because nobody expected it. We are also both having a hard time moving on; letting go is so damn hard.
Anyways, I wasn't ready to come back to blogging because it reminded me too much of the life I had just left behind. Out of my four years in blogging, he had been involved in over three years of it. He was the one who gave me alone time to blog, who went with me to author events, who bought me books, who carried around my bags at ALA, etc. and it was hard to come back to something that was almost "ours" you know?
I still love him, really, and sometimes when I am alone, I cry at what we've lost.
But I realized that maybe it's okay for me to still enjoy the things we did together. I haven't visited a beach even though our weather has been amazing. I haven't read a single book. I haven't blogged or listened to the same music I used to. I haven't gone bike riding or hiking or watched my favorite tv shows. Why? Because I felt like all that was going to stay in the past, stay with him. It felt like part of a different life that I am not living anymore. But then I realized I can't just do that.
I can continue enjoying my life.
I am still sad. And I will most likely not be around as often. But I am back.
Thanks for listening.